LOST IN A WORLD WHERE NO ONE EXISTS
I remember in my late teenage years I went through a rough stage of depression. Not understanding why things had to happen to me. I was only a child. “What was it that I could’ve done so badly”? I asked myself. I was a good kid. So I thought. I made good grades, church kid, respectful and very dependable. As a child, you don’t have a care in the world. Well, things were different for me. I was lost in world where no one exist. There were nights when I battled back and forth with suicidal thoughts. I never quite understood my place in this crazy world. Why am I here? What is my purpose? If I am experiencing this hurt and pain as a child, let’s end things before I become an adult. I thought to myself, “I am worthless”. I had no value in life. Why do I have to experience this kind of pain. I remember crying myself to sleep because I never understood, “WHY ME?!”
Many see my success but don’t understand my story!
I always felt mis-understood. Have you ever cried for help but no one was listening? You were running but was in the same place? -Yeah, that was me. Have you looked for love with the primary goal to only fill missing voids in your life? Have you stayed in a relationship only because you didn’t want to be lonely?
For every bruise that was on my body from those baseball bats, you never knew the pain I felt to walk the next day.
The night I was punished and wasn’t allowed to eat, you never knew I hated myself for being on earth. From the time I was choked, you never knew it was hard for me to wear dress ties for years because I was reminded of the pain.
For the times I was punished and couldn’t go to church, you never knew how bad that messed with me mentally.
But one thing I can tell you now, behind the pain I endured it brought my purpose!
Behind the hurt, it brought a hunger for success!
Every night I wanted to commit suicide, it brought a desire to live my life in my truth!
For the broken heart I endured, it brought the right people in my life to love me through the wounds.
“Man oh man, the wounds, the open wounds-that at one point continued to bleed from the damage, the abused, the anger, the hatred.”
I am so thankful I am not a product of what I went through. I am not a statistic. Statistics says I should be either dead, in jail or a worthless father. But I am a successful, independent, God fearing, family orient, bold and beautiful BLACK MAN! My life matters. My testimony is changing lives. My life is influencing someone to make it. I am a creation of God. No longer do I ask myself why. I know the real answer. If it wasn’t for those tragic events, I wouldn’t be who I am today. It was building my character. The great part is, I don’t hate the man that tried to destroy my life. I pray for him. I have forgiven him. Yes, these events took place at a young age for me. From 13-18, I was lost due to this trauma. It took me till age 25 to walk in the truth and be the man I am destined to be. The greatest part is allowing God to heal me. It wasn’t easy. I hated this man deeply!!!!!! But if God can change my heart, HE can do it for you too!
You are somebody and don’t ever allow anyone to take that from you!
#suicideawareness #yourlivematters #dontgiveup #IAmMe
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