This article is for YOU- The one that has struggled for so long with their identity. I take a stand today, not just for myself, but for the millions to come. We are who we are! Let’s be real with ourselves and live in our truth. –H.Crawford, Jr
I have battled back and forth for some time about releasing this. People that know me, grasp the fact that I am very private about my personal life. Today I have chosen to take a stand not only for myself, but many that has lived in bondage all of their lives. Today I live in my truth!! As a child, I was told how boys are supposed to act and who we’re suppose to like (be attracted to).I knew something about me was different. I tried sports but it wasn’t for me. I was always the odd ball. I remember in school hearing the boys speak about their sex lives with their girlfriends, but I never had a story. I was very clueless to most of their experiences. Throughout my life, I dated girls, very beautiful and smart. Unfortunately, that’s all they were-beautiful and smart. Every girl I dated always asked “Are we getting married? “The idea of a wedding to me, was dressing up and taking pictures. So, yes I am getting married. Yet and still it was something about me that was different. I never wanted to kiss a girl nor thought about having sex with one. That was nasty to me. As I gotten into my adulthood it gotten worse. I didn’t want to hold hands or anything else. I just wanted to take pictures and I felt I looked better in the picture than she did anyways. One day I got involved in a relationship and I knew I had to be real with not only myself, but my family as well. It was something about this relationship for me that I knew, this is real. This is what I had been missing for so long. I called my mom and sister with a flood of emotions. I said, “I need to tell you something but you can’t tell mommy because I am scared”. As we begin to talk, I told her I tried to date women. Although I was attracted to their looks, I couldn’t do anything for them emotionally and it hurts me badly. As I cried out to her on the phone, I said “I am gay-I like men, but I’m scared” she simply said to me, “Be who you are, I love you and will always have your back”. At that point I was better, but still needed to tell my mom. So here we go again-tidal wave of emotions. “Mom, I need to talk with you, well, I have been fighting this for quite sometime- (but dating women) I can’t give them what they need emotionally but with a guy I feel complete” My mom said to me, “Be who you are, I love you and if anybody have anything to say they can deal with me. You are my son and you are the same loving, caring person”. At that moment, I had relief only for a minute. This relationship was not my first same sex relationship. I had other relationships, but never brought them around because, “I wasn’t gay, and I just like men”. The hardest part for me, growing up in the church, was the oppression of old school apostolic church we were told we were going to hell-it was an abomination to God. For years I walked around hiding who I was to please others. I dated men in the church with big titles but I had to keep quite. I had to watch them flirt with women and even date them to put on a front but was calling me and spending the night me. I got to point where I had to stand in the truth of who I am. I have a very great support system but I still struggled. I never asked to be gay. I never once wanted to be picked on, talked about, looked at differently, and not be accepted. I didn’t ask for that. There were nights I wanted to kill myself because the voice of people had gotten so heavy. I was lost. I truly did not know who I was and who I was supposed to be. People will ruin your life if you let them!! All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved.
Everybody that said they loved me were liars- I know real love when I see it. As I watched and followed stories from the Orlando shooting, my heart melted. That was me. When I traveled, I went out to gay clubs and had an amazing time. Watching the news during this horrific tragedy, I knew at that point I had to take stand for my beliefs. I am gay, I am finally happy in my own skin. There is someone out there reading this that is hiding, Be YOU! People will read this and will have smart things to say to me. I will simply block and delete. I don’t want anyone praying for me that hasn’t already been praying for me. Being gay isn’t a disease. You can’t medicine and it goes away. This is real. I am a black, educated, successful man. Being gay doesn’t stop that. One of my heroes is the great Martin Luther King Jr. MLK took a stand and help millions. Because of his example and legacy, that’s what I am inspired to do! I will deal with the hate because I want people to be free. You are who you are and don’t let anyone change that. They reason there are so many DL (down low) guys because they are too busy trying to please other people. When I graduated from high school, I attended Wright State in Dayton chasing after a dude that really didn’t want me. He will remain nameless. I got down there and spent so much time wanting to make that relationship work, I failed my classes. I was dismissed from school, lost my job and my apartment. I made a vow to myself- I am better than that. I have graduated with my first degree. I did not let that negative situation stop me. I shared that to let you know if I can make it, so can you. I had people in church, school and even my family pick on me and talk about me, but I am standing in my truth today. They can talk and say whatever they need to. God still loves me and always blesses me, He still talks to me and I still feel His presence. Whatever you have dealt with in the past-today it stops!! Walk in your truth! Be YOU! Love yourself!
THE LAUNCH OF I AM ME IS IN TRUTH
As we move forward, God has given me a vision and I am in the midst of working things out. I was laying in the bed and He spoke to me about what my true ministry is. I recently launched an Identity Crisis Movement at end of this summer /early fall entitled, “I am me”. Our mission for I Am Me is, “I Am Me desires to be an International Movement that will draw people from all walks of life. NO matter the race, sexual orientation, religion or sex. EVERYONE is SOMEBODY in I Am Me! As we continue to move forward as a nation, I Am Me vows to help individuals discover the true meaning of Identity. As we tackle this everyday thing called life, I Am Me is an organized movement that is comfortable in being who we are in our own skin, race, religion, sex and sexual orientation.” God has given me big plans for this organization. As I conclude, you are not a mistake, you are not going to hell for being gay. There is one God and He has the final say so-trust me, He doesn’t need help. Own who you are. You are somebody! Please always remember that I love you and God does as well.
H. Crawford Jr.